......

Yesterday, Isaac was sending me pictures through AIM, right? I happened to glance at the size of one of them [the one he was currently sending] and it was 666KB. I got really scared.... because something bad ALWAYS happens whenever I see '666' on anything. About a week or so before my mom and brother got in a car accident last Christmas break, something made me look at my mom's car milage [the smaller number.. the one that you can reset anytime]. I NEVER look at her car milage thing, because I really don't care. But I saw it.. it said 666. At the time, I thought it was kind of odd, but paid little attention to it. I realized the irony like a month after my mom's accident. Then, there was my so-called Hell Week. Holy shit. It was the scariest week of my life. Everywhere... I saw 666. Game combos [RPG, DDR], numerous math problems, school work, etc. That was the same week that both my friend and her sister died in a car accident, and the week that a really close friend of my family was found dead on his livingroom floor.

What does this have to do with me seeing 666 this time? My mom got home around 6, right? I thought everything was fine, blah blah blah.. so after I helped her unpack, she started cooking. She called me downstairs, I got some soup, went upstairs, and started eating. [my bowl is still over half full... it even hurts when I eat soup. ;_;] My mom went upstairs, looked like she was in pain. I asked, "Uhh... are you okay?"

She had a small, yet very painful heart attack. God. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital, but she said it was okay. I then helped her get lie down on the bed, and she described her symptoms: Sharp chest pains, numbness from chest all the way down to her left arm, pain pain pain. Sounds like the symptoms of a heart attack? I got really worried, and I started massaging her chest and left arm repeatedly with Vicks vapor rub. I was massaging her for what seemed like an eternity. My hands and knuckles were getting weaker and weaker... but she kept making moaning sounds of pain, so I really couldn't stop. What worried me the most was she was all telling me where our insurance information was, information about the billment of the house... she was talking in a way as if she was going to die.

I then rushed downstairs to get her a glass of water and some aspirin, rushed back up, gave it to her and started massaging her some more. After a long while, she told me that the pain was starting to go away.... but just seeing her in that much pain.... I almost cried. My eyes were getting teary while I was massaging her arm, hoping she wouldn't die.

She's sleeping now. She looks so peaceful lying there on the bed. I want to hug her, but I don't want to wake her up.

She told me about our deep financial problems. She was really mad at my brother for keeping his personal heater in his room for the entire two weeks, leaving his computer, t.v., vcr, DVD player on almost 24/7 [all at the same time] and for many other reasons. She was talking about moving into a smaller place... either a one bedroom apartment, or a mobile home. Ugh. My life just keeps getting worse....

Plus, did I tell you that my grandmother is still currently in the hospital after being there ever since New Years Eve? I found out the night that Christina slept over. She was talking to Mike and was on the Computer when I found out, and I was lying down on the bed. After talking to my mom, I told her what happened and I started crying. Do you know what she did? She kept talking to her damn boyfriend. I hadn't cried like that in such a long time, especially after taking so many painkillers, I think it made me even more emotional.

I hate my life.

Anyone who asks why is fucking stupid. Everyday creates a new problem.. emotionally... physically... economically... socially. It just sucks. It fucking sucks. I know my life is a lot better than the ones that live in Afghanistan, or some barely thriving cities like Ethiopia or the suburbs of India. And it makes me want to cry over my dramatism. I feel sorry for myself too much. I hate being like this. I hate being myself. I hate being so overly emotional and having to hide it, yet I still know of my feelings and pain... and then I think of those less fortunate than I am and I start to hate myself more for feeling so bad for my own problems. The concept of life can in fact, be beautiful but yet so confusing and painful at the same time.

I want to get free.